Is there anyone who believes that it’s ok to yell at your kids? Probably not. I mean we all do it, but we don’t think we should. Instead we think Get a grip! Control yourself! What’s your problem? Then we make resolutions to figure out how to control ourselves, change our behavior or take a class to learn a new technique to solve our problem. Pepper in some self judgment and we innocently believe we have a recipe for change.
I am not here to give you permission to be a witch or to say you are not responsible for your behavior, but I do know that we are all human and we are doing the best we can given the thinking we have in the moment. If we were meant to do it better, G-d would have granted us more awareness in the moment to see something different. Short of that, we will react from the feeling state we are in until we don’t.
So how do I help myself? How does change occur? I’m not ok with this behavior, you say. The following may sound completely counterintuitive, but there’s truth to it. The more effort you put into thinking about your problem (yelling at your kids) and beating yourself up for your failures (more thought), the harder it will be to reach the goal of not yelling at your kids.
Most of us don’t know that we are yelling because of all the thinking we have about our kids. We innocently believe we are yelling because of their behavior, fighting or chutzpah. But what if their behavior, fighting or chutzpah doesn’t have the power to put a feeling inside of us? What if nothing outside of you has the power to put a feeling inside of you? What if the only way you could feel upset, frustrated or angry is because of Thought in the moment, the G-d given energy flowing through us?
I am not suggesting you control your thinking (since you can’t), but I am suggesting that you reflect on the possibility of the truth of this statement: It’s my thinking about my children and not my children that makes me feel what I feel. In that reflective moment you align with the way the system is designed. Alignment (seeing the truth of where my feelings are coming from), by definition, resets the system. As the system resets, your thinking shifts and settles down naturally (as it always does if you let it) and then feelings change on their own (as they always do, too). You never stay angry and yelling forever (even if it feels like forever). There is a beginning and an end to every experience.
As we start to get visibility to the layers of thought that may innocently appear to block this natural process of alignment (such as, I have to deal with this NOW, their chutzpah is a problem, I can’t just wait until my thinking settles down because they will kill each other, it’s irresponsible not to do anything, I’m such a bad mother, I’m damaging them, etc.) we get a whiff of why we feel so upset. Believing the upset is coming from your children’s behavior is a misunderstanding that when perpetuated makes our reactions worse.
Your sense of urgency or insecurity is a thought created experience. As we insightfully begin to see this and begin to trust the system, we look toward the true source of our feeling (Divine Thought in the moment). Change in behavior naturally occurs when we are aligning with the true source of our feelings, rather than blaming our children. The system is designed to bring awareness, perspective and guidance.
With enough awareness, yelling at our children doesn’t make a lot of sense. Although we might do it anyway because we are human and feel lost sometimes, it starts to happen less and less. Insightful change is hopeful and lasting.
