Free Yourself from the Blame Game (aka: Victim Mentality)

This is the time of year where we reflect on our thoughts, speech and action in order to return to our true Divine selves. Have you ever had the thought that you were a victim or felt like someone wronged you and you wanted to tell them off?

We usually associate victimhood with horribly abusive situations, but I’ve been seeing lately how invasive this mentality is, even in more benign situations. This victim mentality is so subtle and creates so much unnecessary distress.

The moment you find yourself thinking (or saying) “This isn’t fair,” “It shouldn’t be this way,” or “Why is this happening to me?” you have fallen into the misunderstanding that being a victim is real. The moment you find yourself feeling angry, frustrated or stuck, you have fallen into the misunderstanding that someone/something else has the power to make you feel like a victim.

When my kids misbehave, when my teens make bad choices, when my spouse blames me, when money is tight, when things don’t go my way, when the car was left with no gas, when no one helps clean up, when a hurtful comment is made, when I’m being mistreated, when I don’t get the job I want, when there is no more meat at the supermarket, when I don’t get invited to the simcha…these are all examples of where we can fall into a victim mentality.

You may find yourself thinking, but all these things seem so real, so true, they did happen.  How else am I supposed to feel?

I hear you. Yes, there is a reality…kids are misbehaving, there is no gas in the car or meat in the supermarket, people make careless comments, I did clean up myself, I didn’t get the invitation…BUT none of that means you are a victim.

So what’s the paradigm shift? That life is not happening to you, but through you. There is an invisible power of Thought (that shows up as beliefs, attitudes, interpretations, perceptions, misperceptions) which is creating our moment to moment experience, allowing situations and circumstances to show up in our lives in ways that confirm our hidden beliefs and we don’t even see it. Then we blame other people, circumstances or even G-d for why life isn’t fair.

What if we are actually the producers, directors and writers of our own play (life) and we don’t know it? What if we are playing out the exact role we need to in order to grow, heal or soul correct? What if the people/circumstances in our lives are here as gifts to wake us up rather than here as reasons to blame?

We can use our free will to look in a completely different direction than blaming outside stuff for why life isn’t going the way we want. Blame perpetuates the victim mentality.

Rosh Hashana is about making G-d King. Seeing His hand in every moment, believing that each moment is perfect right now and releasing the illusion that victimhood even exists are all by products of realizing the truth of the inside-out nature of life. Forgiveness and compassion are then free to show up, making space for teshuva (our return to our true Divine self).

Join me on Monday, Sept. 17 at 12pm via zoom for a FREE teleconference to further discuss freeing ourselves from our habit of blame (aka: victim mentality). It’s a perfect time of year to seek insight into changing.

Ride The Wave

By Aviva Barnett, MSW

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